This afternoon, my wife made me take her to the Hannah Montana movie. Now, while I know that no self-respecting geek should ever admit that, I got to thinking that there must be other geeks in the same predicament. Be it their wife, girlfriend or child, they may find themselves at the same film – in the same situation I was. Now, rather than write what would amount to an unread review of the film, I present a list of things one could do when forced to spend 102 minutes surrounded by cheering eight to twelve year old girls. The list presented its own problems, since all the below actions must not disturb the audience – lest you have those same girls (and your wife) at your throat.
1. Determine how much pressure is needed to make an M&M melt in your hand.
2. Count backwards from one million.
3. Figure out a plan of escape in the case of a zombie outbreak.
4. In case said escape plan fails, decide in which order the new zombie-you would attack other people in the theater.
5. Three words: Gummy Bear Wars.
6. Count the number of times someone shouts “Hannah!” in the theater. Remember that number for after the film and have a shot for each one once you get home.
7. Get popcorn. Eat it very quickly. Offer to get more popcorn. Wait on the longest line. Repeat until the movie is over.
8. Count the number of seats in the theater (which is harder to do in the dark than you would think).
9. Find those great “eyeball glasses” Homer Simpson wore to jury duty and take a nap.
10. And finally, once and for all, determine how many licks it actually takes to make it to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop.
So there you have it: Ten ways to occupy your time, and remain a true geek, when your loved one makes you take her to the film. And don’t forget to remind her that she has to take you to “Avatar” on opening night in return.